The I-Have-No-Idea-What-You're-Saying Smile.

So I constantly find myself baring witness to something I can only call awkward. It's a little thing I like to call The I-Have-No-Idea-What-You're-Saying Smile. We all get them. We all give them. But you'd be wrong in thinking this is a cheesy slogan from an 80's porno.

For you see, this smile is so offensive and so pitiful that it is absolutely and completely taboo. It is so shameful that no one ever mentions it. It's like when a bum comes up to you and swears rapidly in a foreign tongue; he's right there, but you're forced to ignore him or risk being stabbed/shot/choked/spat on or if you're really unlucky, followed for several kilometres until you jump into a moving vehicle to escape the foul-smelling hell he has beseeched upon you.

The common scenario for the I Have No Idea Smile usually begins with a friendly chat between two people - BUT WAIT - this is no friendly chat at all, as one of the persons has somewhere to be OR has more important things on the mind OR doesn't like the person they are chatting too. Ulterior motives one could say. So from the start this chat is doomed to end badly.

They begin to discuss something irrelevant and most probably boring as ass and then the desperate person who has entered this conversation with all intentions too leave fazes out and gives the I Have No Idea What You're Saying Smile and BOOM! - the revelation dawns on the other that they have just been the victim of THE SMILE.

All dignity you once had is out the door. The level of respect that person had for you drops to 'NONEXISTENT' and they come to one of two realisations: 1) They realise they must be boring and vow to never be boring again or 2) They realise they don't really like you that much anymore. Either way, this Smile is monumental.

But it is those of us who can identify the Smile and stop it in it's tracks that are the best off. You see, I'm a bit of a pussy and I avoid confrontation but if I'm ever given the I Have No Idea What You're Saying Smile I will most definitely say something along these lines: 'You have no idea what I just said do you?' or 'Oh my god, you cheap bastard, you're not even listening!' or 'You just smiled when I told you I almost had my scrotum amputated!' And trust me, that last line is used far more often then you think.

So I say we bring an end to all awkwardness that the Smile manifests. Instead, as a species, we should vow to always confront a person if they ever throw one at us, or perhaps (and this suggestion is probably less fun but morally right) actually start listening to people. But when has listening ever helped the world?

Never! Chants every deaf person in the world. I'm sorry, disabilities aren't funny. Except for that one where they turn into Elephants.

In light of this I have started a facebook group: http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/group.php?gid=166557059441&ref=mf - this way we can share our experiences and opinions on the I Have No Idea What You're Saying Smile.

I have also seen Terry Gilliam's The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus twice and it is brilliant and confusing and amazingly well made. I truly suggest you see it because not only is it Heath Ledger's final performance, it also stars Lily Cole, the most perfect woman in the entire world. I call dibs everyone.

She is a supermodel/actress/giant and she is generally amazing at everything. Also, I thought I might add an update to my film school quest. I got the interview. This is HUGE news. This means I can go down to Melbourne on the 19th and hopefully destroy the VCA and everyone in it. This is it guys. I'll be certain to give you a blow by blow recount when it happens which I'm sure you'll all really enjoy but if I get the feeling I'm getting any cyber I Have No Idea Smile's I will - probably do nothing.

Then again, I may hunt you down.

Until next time my darlings...